"The years teach much which the days never knew."

On Friday, I officially had my last day at the CDRC. I cannot believe that, after 3.5 years, I won't be going back there in August. It was the best possible job I could have had as a college student. They were so willing to work around my schedule, it was on campus and easy to get to..and I got to work with some of my best friends. Working at the CDRC taught me a lot about myself and even more about the career I am so very passionate about. I know now, without a doubt at all, that it's the right one for me. God put me on this Earth to be a teacher..and I cannot wait to put His plan into action in just one short semester.

Next on the agenda..is a summer job. I'm nannying Connor, a little boy from the Rockin' Raider classroom at the CDRC, for the entire summer. I'm thrilled! Connor is on the Autistic spectrum (he has PDD) and is the most adorable little boy in the whole world. His mom planned all sorts of fun activities for the two of us this summer and she said he keeps talking about how excited he is. I'm keeping him for a few hours this coming Friday, but my job doesn't officially start until June 1st. I definitely think this nanny job will be a million and seven times better than last summer's was.

What else is new? Oh! You-know-who was over here last night..and we basically decided that there was no point in pursuing this relationship since we both knew that we were not one another's soulmate. I'm a little disappointed because I really did like him, but I know that it's for the best. Eventually I will find the man that God put on this Earth for me to marry..I guess I just need to learn some patience until he comes along. This morning I went to the gym and had one heck of a workout..I loved it! I haven't been able to go for several weeks because I've had bronchitis and a sinus infection, but it definitely felt good to finally get back in there. Here's hoping that August will bring about a new K'lyssa! =)

In addition to the trips and the job this summer..I plan on spending a lot more time with friends. The fact is, this is my last summer before I officially have to grow up and get a real job and I want to enjoy as much of it as I possibly can. My friend Alisha and I plan on spending a lot of time together (we met at Tech in Art class with Mr. Ed Check during Block 1; and absolutely never thought we'd end up being friends) and I just want to..relax and get back to finding out who I am and who God wants me to be. I can safely say, though, that I am one happy girl.

Goodbye Spring, hello Summer! (and with that..goodbye college life, hello real world)

"No matter how discouraged we get, God has not asked us to do the impossible"

So another semester at Texas Tech has successfully come and gone. I've gotten all of my honor cords (except for those that come directly from the College of Education) and I will never again sit in a classroom as an undergraduate student at this wonderful college I've called home for the past 3 1/2 years. It's weird. My college career isn't officially over..but it is at the same time. I'm not entirely sure how to feel about it, to be honest. There are some things I wish I could go back and do again. I'd like to be more outgoing and maybe join a sorority or some other organization. I would definitely take back my Freshman year. But hindsight is 20/20, right? I definitely think the experiences that I have had at Tech have made me a better person. I'm so much different than the shy girl who counted down the days until high school graduation and couldn't wait to settle into room 427 in Hulen Hall. I think the hardest part of all is preparing to be an "adult" in the "real world." But I absolutely cannot wait to have my own classroom full of bright-eyed students who are eager to learn and to teach me. =)

I also took my TExES (teacher certification) exams over the past 2 weeks. I am very happy to report that I passed all three and actually did really well on all of them. Now I just have to apply for my teaching certificate, graduate, and I will be ready to teach! Student teaching makes me a little nervous...but I know it will be a wonderful learning experience and a great opportunity for me to come out of my shell just a little bit more.

I have 4 more days of work at the CDRC. I've worked there since August of my Freshman year at Tech...and it will be so strange to not go back in the fall. I still can't believe that this chapter of my life is almost over....but I'm eager to see what the next chapter will bring (Prince Charming would be nice!).

I think I would feel a lot better about my life and where I'm headed...if I had someone special to share it all with. I'm not looking to settle down and get married right away (I'm really looking forward to living with my sister/best friend for awhile), but it would still be nice to have someone love me again. Every single time I think I've found someone I could see myself sharing the rest of my life with...an unexpected detour appears and I just end up right back at square one. I'm sure I'll find the man that God made for me when the time is right, but there are moments where it feels like maybe I'm just destined to be alone.

In the meantime though, I'm gearing up for a summer of nannying and two great vacations. My sister Kayla and I are going to Kansas City, Missouri to see a Backstreet Boys concert in June and then in July we're going on a 10-day roadtrip to Orlando, Florida to go to Disney World and Universal Studios (including the Wizarding World of Harry Potter!). I'm also looking forward to getting back in the gym and making the outside of my body match the way that I feel about myself on the inside. I just know that it's going to be a fantastic summer..and hopefully the start of an unforgettable chapter in the book that I call life.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

Not long after I wrote that last entry (which even I will admit was incredibly depressing), I realized that the only person who can change the way I feel about myself is me. It's not always easy to change our self perception or look past the flaws other people have caused us to notice, but nobody is ever going to love someone who can't love themselves first. I love myself now. I think every single one of my flaws makes me who I am. I have a gym membership that I need to get back into using..but I'm going to do that for ME. Not for a boy. Not for my friends. Not for anyone else but me. =) I'll never be a size 2 and I am totally okay with that. I love who I am now and I know that I'll love whoever I turn out to be in the future.

Over the weekend I had my final Mentor Tech Student Organization banquet. Since I graduate in December and these banquets are held in the Spring every year, I was honored as a graduating senior..which still doesn't quite feel real. I wasn't even going to go to the banquet, but my older sister and the creator of Mentor Tech kind of forced me into it - and I am so glad I went! I wore my new favorite "teacher" dress and let my older sister Kayla do my makeup (everyone that knows me knows that I never wear makeup..so this was a big deal). I can't remember the last time I felt that beautiful. I even took a picture that is, I will admit, absolutely gorgeous. I LOVE it. It's funny to think that a picture helped change the way I see myself every single day..but I think it did. I look at that picture and see a beautiful young woman who looks happy; and I'm beginning to see the same thing when I look in the mirror each day. The picture that I'm talking about is the picture at the top of this entry. There were also some changes with..a particular boy over the weekend, but I've convinced myself that the sudden changes in the way I feel about who I am and who I'm becoming have absolutely nothing to do with him. Boys may come and go and people will change over time..but I will always be K'lyssa Elise Selmon, and that reflection in the mirror is never going to go away.

I'm looking forward to seeing the K'lyssa that the future holds. It can only go up from here, right?

If you don't get lost, there's a chance you may never be found..

I definitely think that, for the first time in my entire 21 years of living, I am truly lost. Now don't get me wrong; I know what I want out of life. I can see my future every single time I close my eyes. The problem is that I do not know how to get there.

So what is it that I want out of life? I want to be a great teacher. I want to make a difference in the life of every single child that ever steps foot into my classroom...and I want to leave behind a legacy. I want to find a reason to smile and laugh every single day. I want to make my mother proud and I want to find a way to give back to her for everything she has given to me. I want to be best friends with the same girl until we're both old and wrinkly. I want to be closer to God. I want to do something completely random for no apparent reason. I want to be happy. I want to stay as close to my sisters as I am now. I want to succeed. I want to travel the world. I want to write a book that other people actually want to read. I want to give someone my autograph. I want people to know my name. I want to get over my fear of spiders. I want to be a mom. I want to be a wife. I want to buy a brand new car. I want to be brave. I want to meet some of my heroes. I want to change the world. I want to lose weight. I want to be pretty. I want to get my PhD. I want to learn to play a musical instrument other than the clarinet. I want to get a breast reduction. I want to climb a mountain. I want to do every single thing on my bucket list (even if I haven't made it yet). I want someone to write a song for me. I want to grow old gracefully. I want to adopt a child. I want to start a charity. I want to learn another language. I want to be a better person. I want to really get to know my dad. I want to look back on my life with no regrets.

It's a long list, I know. But what is the thing I want more than all of those? Love. I want someone to look at me and think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. I want someone to need me, to miss me, to see things in me that I can't see in myself. I want to have someone to come home to, someone who tells me every single day how much I mean to them. I want someone to want me.

With every failed relationship I encounter, a little bit of the love I have for myself disappears. Why do they always leave? What's wrong with me? Why am I never good enough? I don't know the answers to any of those questions..and I wish so desperately that I did. I think if I could figure it out, I could fix it. I know I'm not the prettiest or skinniest girl in the world...but that can't be it, can it? There has to be some guy in the world who can look at me and think I'm beautiful the way that I am now, right? I want to believe that there is...but if so, where is he? I'm at the age now where so many of my beautiful friends are finding love and getting married. And then...there's me. I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong. I love my friends and I desperately want them to be happy. But part of me is afraid that I'll never be in their shoes. I'll never get to call everyone I know and tell them I'm in love or that I'm engaged. I worry that nobody will ever be able to throw me a bachelorette party or a bridal shower. I try to push those negative thoughts aside, but they always find a way to creep back in.

Don't get me wrong...I'm happy. I know this blog doesn't make it sound that way, but I am. I have friends and family that love, I have an incredible job and I work for some pretty incredible people. I definitely have a ton of reasons to smile. But..despite all of that, something BIG is missing. I know a guy can't fix all of my problems, and I definitely wouldn't expect them to. But I think if I could just see, just understand that someone thinks I'm beautiful and deserving of their love..I would be able to love myself - no changes needed. Somewhere, deep down inside, I truly believe that I cannot accomplish one thing on that list if I don't find love somewhere first.

I think this song (originally performed by Queen, but recently featured one of my favorite shows...Glee) sums up what I most want (at least right now) beautifully:

"Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I've spent all my years believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

I work hard every day of my life
I work till I ache in my bones
At the end of the day I take home my hard-earned pay all on my own
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray 'till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Every day I try and I try and I try
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm going crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
I got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Oh Lord
Somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
I'm okay, I'm alright
I aint gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord!

Find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?"

...well, can they?