I definitely think that, for the first time in my entire 21 years of living, I am truly lost. Now don't get me wrong; I know what I want out of life. I can see my future every single time I close my eyes. The problem is that I do not know how to get there.
So what is it that I want out of life? I want to be a great teacher. I want to make a difference in the life of every single child that ever steps foot into my classroom...and I want to leave behind a legacy. I want to find a reason to smile and laugh every single day. I want to make my mother proud and I want to find a way to give back to her for everything she has given to me. I want to be best friends with the same girl until we're both old and wrinkly. I want to be closer to God. I want to do something completely random for no apparent reason. I want to be happy. I want to stay as close to my sisters as I am now. I want to succeed. I want to travel the world. I want to write a book that other people actually want to read. I want to give someone my autograph. I want people to know my name. I want to get over my fear of spiders. I want to be a mom. I want to be a wife. I want to buy a brand new car. I want to be brave. I want to meet some of my heroes. I want to change the world. I want to lose weight. I want to be pretty. I want to get my PhD. I want to learn to play a musical instrument other than the clarinet. I want to get a breast reduction. I want to climb a mountain. I want to do every single thing on my bucket list (even if I haven't made it yet). I want someone to write a song for me. I want to grow old gracefully. I want to adopt a child. I want to start a charity. I want to learn another language. I want to be a better person. I want to really get to know my dad. I want to look back on my life with no regrets.
It's a long list, I know. But what is the thing I want more than all of those? Love. I want someone to look at me and think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. I want someone to need me, to miss me, to see things in me that I can't see in myself. I want to have someone to come home to, someone who tells me every single day how much I mean to them. I want someone to want me.
With every failed relationship I encounter, a little bit of the love I have for myself disappears. Why do they always leave? What's wrong with me? Why am I never good enough? I don't know the answers to any of those questions..and I wish so desperately that I did. I think if I could figure it out, I could fix it. I know I'm not the prettiest or skinniest girl in the world...but that can't be it, can it? There has to be some guy in the world who can look at me and think I'm beautiful the way that I am now, right? I want to believe that there is...but if so, where is he? I'm at the age now where so many of my beautiful friends are finding love and getting married. And then...there's me. I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong. I love my friends and I desperately want them to be happy. But part of me is afraid that I'll never be in their shoes. I'll never get to call everyone I know and tell them I'm in love or that I'm engaged. I worry that nobody will ever be able to throw me a bachelorette party or a bridal shower. I try to push those negative thoughts aside, but they always find a way to creep back in.
Don't get me wrong...I'm happy. I know this blog doesn't make it sound that way, but I am. I have friends and family that love, I have an incredible job and I work for some pretty incredible people. I definitely have a ton of reasons to smile. But..despite all of that, something BIG is missing. I know a guy can't fix all of my problems, and I definitely wouldn't expect them to. But I think if I could just see, just understand that someone thinks I'm beautiful and deserving of their love..I would be able to love myself - no changes needed. Somewhere, deep down inside, I truly believe that I cannot accomplish one thing on that list if I don't find love somewhere first.
I think this song (originally performed by Queen, but recently featured one of my favorite shows...Glee) sums up what I most want (at least right now) beautifully:
"Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I've spent all my years believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
I work hard every day of my life
I work till I ache in my bones
At the end of the day I take home my hard-earned pay all on my own
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray 'till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Every day I try and I try and I try
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm going crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
I got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh Lord
Somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
I'm okay, I'm alright
I aint gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord!
Find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?"
...well, can they?
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